Marriage Counseling

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Relationship counseling is the process of counseling the parties of a human relationship in an effort to recognize, and to better manage or reconcile, troublesome differences and repeating patterns of stress upon the relationship. The relationship involved may be between members of a family or a couple (see also family therapy), employees or employers in a workplace, or between a professional and a client.

Couple’s therapy (or relationship therapy) is a subset of relationship counseling. It may differ from other forms of relationship counseling in various regards including its duration. Short term counseling may be between 1 and 3 sessions whereas long term couples therapy may be between 12 and 24 sessions. An exception is brief or solution focused couples therapy. In addition, counseling tends to be more ‘here and now’ and new coping strategies the outcome. Couples therapy is more about seemingly intractable problems with a relationship history, where emotions are the target and the agent of change.

Marriage counseling or marital therapy can refer to either or some combination of the above.

The methods may differ in other ways as well, but the differences may indicate more about the counselor/therapist’s way of working than the title given to their process.

Relationship counselor or couple’s therapist

The duty and function of a relationship counselor or couples therapist is to listen, respect, understand and facilitate better functioning between those involved.

The basic principles for a counselor include:

Provide a confidential dialogue, which normalizes feelings
To enable each person to be heard and to hear themselves
Provide a mirror with expertise to reflect the relationship’s difficulties and the potential and direction for change
Empower the relationship to take control of its own destiny and make vital decisions
Deliver relevant and appropriate information
Changes the view of the relationship
Improve communication

As well as the above, the basic principles for a couples therapist also include:

To identify the repetitive, negative interaction cycle as a pattern.
To understand the source of reactive emotions that drive the pattern.
To expand and re-organize key emotional responses in the relationship.
To facilitate a shift in partners’ interaction to new patterns of interaction.
To create new and positively bonding emotional events in the relationship
To foster a secure attachment between partners.
To help maintain a sense of intimacy.

Common core principles of relationship counseling and couples therapy are:

Respect
Empathy
Tact
Consent
Confidentiality
Accountability
Expertise
Evidence based
Certification, ongoing training and

In both methods, the practitioner evaluates the couple’s personal and relationship story as it is narrated, interrupts wisely, facilitates both de-escalation of unhelpful conflict and the development of realistic, practical solutions. The practitioner may meet each person individually at first but only if this is beneficial to both, is consensual and is unlikely to cause harm. Individualistic approaches to couple problems can cause harm. The counselor or therapist encourages the participants to give their best efforts to reorienting their relationship with each other. One of the challenges here is for each person to change their own responses to their partner’s behavior. Other challenges to the process are disclosing controversial or shameful events and revealing closely guarded secrets. Not all couples put all of their cards on the table at first. This can take time.

The following are some resources

John Gottman’s What Makes Marriage Work
The Five Love Languages – what spouses respond to.
Please Understand Me – determining personal psychological makeup.
Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight – ‘Love demands the reassurance of touch. Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath the distress, partners are desperate to know: Are you there for me?
Love & Respect – emotional needs of spouses.
Divorce Busting – solutions for saving and restoring relationships.
Men Are Like Waffles — Women Are Like Spaghetti
Marriage Fitness